My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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