New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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