if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
