I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
we should paint friendship bongs
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