Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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