Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
