I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
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