I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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