Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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