I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Randomize
