Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
