I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
