It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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