Whatcha textin bout Willis?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize