I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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