He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
