I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
