Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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