proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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