I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
