So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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