just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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