True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
