just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
