Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
