He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
