I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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