i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
