first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
