i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
