gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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