gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Randomize
