I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
