dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
