Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize