he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
