You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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