The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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