3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize