if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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