i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
