I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
