What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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