I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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