He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
