ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
