Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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