Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
