just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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