i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
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