Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
