Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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