They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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