I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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