Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
so let's talk penis.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
