my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize