You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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