Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
