do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
