I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
