i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
