Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize